Crazy for Feeling So... Busy

A soft, spring sunrise this morning.

The birds are full of springtime, too - swooping about and singing. They're terribly busy.

One of my writing friends made a comment not long ago that she feels like she's losing to time. She's revising and is afraid it's taking too long. I can understand this. You spend months writing a novel, then months revising the novel, then months waiting for people to respond to said novel. Sometimes those responses send you back to revising for more months and you wait even more months for responses, which are usually "no, thank you."

And it can feel like wasted time.

It's like you're forever working at a job, hoping to be paid one day. There's a crushing sense of urgency, that if you just worked a little harder, a little faster, that maybe you could cut out, oh, a decade or so of the waiting.

Yesterday I posted a chapter from the family memoir I started writing, oh, a decade or so ago. Several people who'd been fans of my nonfiction work from way back jumped on it and asked when I planned to finish that book. This book, in fact, was the project I won my Ucross fellowship for, and spent my time there outlining. (If you get a chance to do a writer's residency like this, it's OMG wonderful. They make you feel like you're curing cancer.)

See, my plan had been to break into genre fiction, have a nice income from that, and get to spend time on these harder-to-sell nonfiction projects.

Hey - the plan is totally working! It's just, um, taking a decade or so longer than I planned.

So, a couple of people have suggested I work on more than one project at a time. Even contemplating this makes me feel a little crazy. It's tempting. When I take a few deeps breaths, I can see the fantasy of it unfolding. How I would move forward the new new novel, The Middle Princess, finish one I'd set aside, expand a short story into a novella, write the family memoir, and and and...

Then I start to feel crazy again.

I think about how I could work it in. I could take my two hours of writing time in the mornings and split them - one hour each on two different things. I've thought about sitting down again at night and spending an hour on a different project than the morning one. Then I also start thinking about how I wanted to set aside more time to read every day, so if I'm going to restructure, I should do that, too. The only two things I don't think deserve more time are the day job and online socializing.

*Ahem*

At least I'm smart enough now not to consider sleeping less. Which is absolutely how I created more time when I was in college.

My day job boss argues that there's no such thing as multi-tasking. He says it's just pretending to pay attention to something when you're actually doing something else. But I suppose I'm talking more here about serial tasking. Like, some writers work on one project on alternate days, doing another in between. Or rotating three or four. Or just working until they get stuck on one, then switching.

I'm a monogamous kind of gal, really, but I can be convinced. How do you all do it?

Four Reasons I Don't Do NaNoWriMo

The moon behind the clouds last night. I nearly photoshopped out all the little points of light. I suspect they're artifact - bits of reflected light - but I thought we could pretend they're stars. On a cloudy night. See? We can have it all.

I am a fiction-writer, after all.

The writer Harley May sometimes roasts author photos, for her own twisted amusement, mostly. She roasted mine today. If you care for a good laugh, check it out.

I seem to be cutting a wide swath this week. Linda Grimes' blog post today is a result of me Double-Dog Daring her. And Marcella Burnard's blog post yesterday talked about a conversation we had about setting aside writing time. Must be my karma lately.

Either that or I spend way too much time yakking to people online. No, no - that can't be it.

Apropos of that, a number of people have asked me if I'm doing NaNoWriMo (National Novel-Writing Month). I've blogged about this before, but I won't point you to those posts because I've been kind of cranky on the topic in the past. Because, no, I don't like NaNoWriMo.

A lot of people do. They love the feeling of community, the outside deadline to draft 50,000 words in one month. Several people got their first serious start at regularly scheduled writing through the project, so they have great associations.

I think I've mentioned plenty of times here why it doesn't work for me, but enough people have asked that I thought it's worth mentioning again. I'm not one of those organized bullet-point bloggers, but today I do have a list of my Four Reasons I Don't Do NaNoWriMo.

1. It's not about developing a regular writing schedule

NaNoWriMo is about a one-month blast of a hell of a lot of writing. With some exceptions, most writers, even those who get to write full time, don't write that much in one month. People who commit to NaNoWriMo are making a pledge to do whatever it takes to meet the goal. That can be useful, but it's important to me to fence off that regular writing time, write every day and make steady progress. If I stick to 1K/day, I can write 365,000 words in one year. I'm not meeting that goal yet, but it's what I'm shooting for.

2. Too much pressure

Because I don't yet get to write full-time, I've found that 1K/day is about all I can handle and still be worth my salary. I can do more than that for short periods of time - I can write 5-7K in one day, when under pressure - but it drains me. I don't know that I could keep that up even if I didn't work full-time. Writing 50K words in November means 1667 words/day for thirty days in a row. That kind of pressure makes me crazy and, believe me, you don't need me more crazy.

3. It doesn't match my own method

To write that many words in that short a time means fast-drafting. That's writing as fast as you can with no editing, no careful crafting. The idea is that writing fast removes barriers and frees you to simply write. There are many jokes that December and January are novel-finishing and editing months. That kind of drafting can be really great if you like to write that way, or don't know yet how you like to write. I'm not much into fast drafting. I write reasonably quickly when I'm drafting, but I do go back and edit and reshape as I go. I produce pretty clean copy when I'm done. This is the method I've developed over about 25 years. It works well for me. Sometimes if I'm blocked, I'll try the vomit/fast draft approach to get through the wall. Otherwise, I'm happy with how I work. I believe it's important to find what works for you and, like nailing down a regular writing schedule, stick with it.

4. I'm a holiday girl

Okay, I get in trouble for saying this, but I'm endlessly amused that a guy started NaNoWriMo and picked November partly because of the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm sorry guys, but I think Thanksgiving ends up being four empty days for a lot of you and a whole bunch of work for a lot of gals. I know it doesn't apply to everyone, but how many households have you been in when the men are watching football and napping on Thanksgiving and the women are cooking? I love Thanksgiving. I love cooking for it. But I spend a LOT of time preparing for it. And when I'm not doing the labor of love, I'm spending time with family. The day after Thanksgiving I get to spend shopping and having lunch with my mom and my stepsister, Hope. It's a very fun day for me that I look forward to, but it's not a day for catching up on word count. All of that is fine, because I have my regular schedule and I take holiday from it, just as I do from my day job.

So, that's my NaNoWriMo Manifesto. (heh) But all of you digging in to do it, best of luck and full steam ahead. I'll provide the pumpkin pie.

High Functioning

I was really torn this morning, between the sunset photo and the baby quail pic.

Yeah, I know. Not a whole lot changes in my little world.

I once read that consistency in the rhythm of days is a mark of a mature civilization, and that's why each day in India is virtually indiscernible from the last. There's certainly something to be said for a smooth daily schedule, as opposed to the frantic dashing from place to place, forever trying to catch up. I've done that and it's not pretty. It does give you more "things" to mention, though.

This sunset was from Wednesday evening and the baby quail - now with tufts on their heads! - visited yesterday, so I chose prosaic chronology as my guide.

Ideally, if you slow your life down, so it becomes a pleasant cycle of sunsets and sunrises, then you can notice more about the world. I know about what time the quail are likely to come by. I see that the hummingbirds have gone, but the jerichoes have arrived. The bushtits sweep through in their delirious chorus.

There's a pleasure in being part of their larger pattern.

Schedule is something we all struggle with - usually with the goal of creating a manageable consistency. For writers, scheduling the time to write becomes a major concern, especially if you also work a day job. And if you have kids. And if you have multiple other responsibilities. Even those with the luxury of writing full-time have to manage how they apply themselves, with no timeclock to punch, no supervisor to frown over the long lunch.

I ran across this bit some time ago:

Perhaps the finest writer ever to use speed systematically, however, was W. H. Auden. He swallowed Benzedrine every morning for twenty years, from 1938 onward, balancing its effect with the barbiturate Seconal when he wanted to sleep. (He also kept a glass of vodka by the bed, to swig if he woke up during the night.) He took a pragmatic attitude toward amphetamines, regarding them as a "labor-saving device" in the "mental kitchen," with the important proviso that "these mechanisms are very crude, liable to injure the cook, and constantly breaking down."

John Lanchester, "High Style," The New Yorker, January 6, 2003

I know, right? I can't get over what his liver must have looked like by the time he died at 66 in 1973. Which isn't bad, considering how he treated "the cook" all those years. (No, mom, I don't know what he died of.)

So, I suppose this it the other extreme. This isn't the Annie Dillard, slow-down-and-observe-the-world approach. This is the fling-yourself-from-one-extreme-to-the-other method. Of course, more than a few people in the 40s through the 60s used chemistry for better living. Don Drake in Mad Men is the new poster child for this kind of thing.

We've entered a new era of teetotalling where the Mad Men style of office drinking is unthinkable. Anyone who keeps a glass of vodka by the bed to swill if they wake in the night would be labeled as having serious issues. On the other hand, we still tend to drive ourselves through a frenzy of ups and downs, sometimes with prescription medication, to try to meet all of our obligations and aspirations.

There are worse things than having a slow and quiet day from time to time.

Come Blow Your Horn

A while back, I did a guest post on Elizabeth Flora Ross's blog about defending your writing time.

I'm militant on the topic. I truly believe that if you want time to write, you have to build a fence around it, possibly with razor wire, and defend it at all costs. No ifs, ands or buts. Otherwise the time will get eaten away in nibbles and bites by everything else in your life.

Over time, it gets easier. Everyone else in your life becomes accustomed to you being unavailable at certain times. And, most importantly, it becomes a habit to sit and write. Defending the time means defending the habit.

In the last year, I've gotten really good at this. I drafted The Body Gift in half the time it took me to write Obsidian, plus it's a much tighter draft. I also wrote Petals and Thorns on an efficient schedule. I've been working on revising and tightening The Body Gift and got a good chunk into a new novella.

Then I went on vacation.

I thought I might work on the book some, on long rainy Oregon coast days at the B&B. But my Jeffe Sunshine Magic (TM) kicked into effect and we had gorgeous weather. I didn't sweat it. I knew I needed to relax, refresh and refill the well after my big push to finish The Body Gift. Vacation can be from all my jobs, I decided.

And so it was.

When I came back, however, relaxed, refreshed, ready to get back to work, I found my fence was in a shambles. Like Little Boy Blue, I'd allowed the cows into the meadow and the sheep into the corn. It's taken me all week to get back into the habit.

Kerry's book, Swimming North, is about dragons and dragon-slaying. She often draws a parallel between her day job and slaying dragons. But, last night, she agreed that cows were in her meadow, too.

Screw the dragons - it's the freaking cows that are our problem!

"Mad cows. Complacent cows," she says, "all of them are trouble."

Sometimes you have to look closer to home, for the simple solution.

If you need me, I'll be out building fences.

Simmering

This weekend was hot.

Santa Fe broke the record high on Saturday by hitting 100. So, yeah, not so bad. And it's a dry heat. Believe me - I lived in St. Louis for a while. Lack of humidity makes all the difference in the world.

We have nice cross-currents for air flow in our house and ceiling fans, so we never felt like we had to turn on the air conditioning. But we stayed pretty still. Even Isabel stayed inside. She's gone from being the toddler-cat who has to be dragged in from playing, kicking and screaming, then immediately falling asleep, to teenager-cat. Friday night she spent the entire hot, still night in the garage hunting mice. Then on Saturday morning she slept in, got up to eat breakfast and went back to her kitty condo - the cat equivalent of partying all night and watching TV in the darkened den all day.

Then this storm rolled in, creating a dramatic sunset and dropping cooling rain. All of us parched people, animals and plants drank it gratefully.

I'm making steady progress on Sterling. Allison called me "quietly enthusiastic" about it. I said that's because I'm trying not to be obnoxious. I never thought I'd be one to agree with the write-every-day thing. When I was first working at being a writer and attending every workshop I could, almost every singled writer gave that advice.

Write every day.

Write at the same time every day.

Some would shrug, apologize and say they knew it wasn't easy, but that it was the only thing that worked for them.

I felt like that was impossible for me. At the time I was finishing my graduate thesis, working full time and taking and teaching martial arts classes most nights of the week. Even if I wrote every day, it couldn't possibly be at the same time, because every day was different.

So I wrote when I could. Usually in sporadic chunks. I was writing essays then, so I could write an entire essay over the course of a few hours and that worked for me. My first publications came out of that time and my first book. We'd have to agree that worked just fine.

But other things still took precedence. Even gardening and quilting tended to edge out writing time. I would bemoan my lack of writing time, but there it was.

All that changed when I went to writing novels. Obviously I couldn't bang out a novel in a few hours. I found I had to work incrementally, building the story piece by piece over the course of months, holding the ideas in my head over that time.

It took me nine months to write Obsidian. No, I didn't work on it every day. I had several long stretches where I worked on it only a little or not at all. Sterling will take five months. And I've really only hit the smooth rhythm in the last two months.

But I do have to write every day. At pretty much the same time. Shockingly enough, it works. That approach also requires that the writing time is my core schedule and I work everything else in around that, even the day job (unless I just can't make that happen, which can occur).

Some people draft faster, then revise. For me, when I'm done by mid-July, the novel will be reasonably polished.

And I keep thinking that it might be really good.

Which is this lovely bubbling feeling.

My quietly enthusiastic.

Winter Supplies

I've gone on record as saying I believe that New Year's resolutions are doomed to failure by their very nature.

Occasionally I launch projects in the new year, but I do think the pressure and the expectations make keeping the resolve more difficult. Besides, January often feels like a bad time to start stuff. The holidays are all over, so you feel kind of let down. The light and seasons may be turning around, but it's still a dead time of year, with a ways to go until actual rebirth.

I'm more likely to start -- and stick with -- new projects in the Fall. This is probably because I've spent most of my life either part of, or living in a town shaped by, the academic calendar. I met David in January, which ended up being a very successful project. It might be a good time to start a new book, since there's not much else to do. Otherwise?

For Christmas, David received a gift certificate to Wild Birds Unlimited, which really is a wonderful franchise, and our local store is particularly pleasant. They encouraged David to get one of these jay wreaths, which you fill with peanuts. Jays eat peanuts -- who knew?? Plus it keeps them off the other feeders, so the smaller birds have a shot.

You wouldn't believe the jay party that resulted here. You can see one jay below, waiting on the yucca, while another proudly brandishes his newly acquired peanut. They were returning so quickly, it didn't seem possible that they were taking time to eat them.

They had the entire wreath emptied inside of an hour.

David refilled it and it's partially full still this morning, though they've been working at it. Either they were seriously hungry and now are eating more slowly, or they've realized that the peanut supply is here to stay and they don't have to pack it all off to wherever they put all those peanuts.

That's the trick, I think, to sticking with new projects: finding a way to make them a part of your life, rather than a big New Thing. The way you treat the New Thing is not how you treat a daily habit. I think that's why I'm reluctant to do things like writing challenges or fast drafts or what have you. Every writer has to find a way to make writing a part of her daily life. And by that I don't necessarily mean writing every day, though some swear by it.

It's more like knowing where the peanuts are when you need them.

Fractals and Obituaries

Kalayna Price is disappointed in the pattern of her days.

Kalayna, one of my online friends (again someone I've never met in person), posted the above on facebook this morning. She, like many of us, is a writer who also works at a "real" job that pays her actual money. She often posts comments at the beginning of her work day, remarking on the fact that she'd rather be writing. She reports on how many words she wrote over her lunch hour. She's driven and pushes hard for the brass ring we all want: to make enough money writing to quit the day job.

So I know what she means about being disappointed in the pattern of her days. Especially when a few days or a few weeks vanish with not enough writing accomplished. You begin to feel this vague desperation that nothing will ever change, that you're not trying hard enough, even as something inside you whimpers that you're already pushed as far as you can go. Maybe it's like this for everyone who is pursuing a goal.

There's this whole idea of fractals related to time-management and the pursuit of goals. A fractal is a mathematical construct that demonstrates the concept that very small patterns are echoed in larger patterns. Thus the outline of a pebble is reflected in the outline of a mountain range. So, the idea is, the pattern of each day will create the pattern of your whole life. If you spend 5% of your day dorking around on facebook, then 5% of your entire life is -- yeah, you got it.

You can play with this idea, but I can tell you right now: it leads to depression and obsession. One way to explore it is to track your time. Just brace yourself for the results, is all I can say. Then, you try to reapportion your time so that bigger chunks are spent on the things, say, you'd like to see mentioned in your obituary--were you to have the opportunity to see it, which you won't of course. This is where the obsession comes in. You'll find yourself scorning the "wasted" time spent on non-obituary-worthy things like sleep and meal preparation. You'll start parsing out, minute-by-minute, who is wasting your time, which means a chunk of your life, multiplied fractally.

Oh yeah, I've been there. And it's not pretty.

I love to read obituaries. Mostly I'm fascinated by what family and friends consider to be the salient details of their loved one's life. "Active in her church," "was happiest fishing in his beloved mountains," "adored her grandchildren." Rarely do they reflect a life journey. They might list degrees and accomplishments, books published and prizes acquired. More usually it's a genealogical record of parentage, marriages, divorces and progeny, with a few personal details thrown in, to liven it up.

My point is, none of us know what the pattern of our lives will be until it's complete, and then we'll be too dead to see it. And clearly, unless you get a great biographer interested in you, no one's going to write anything interesting about it, either.

Days are a random increment of time. A coincidental product of the way our planet spins. Some days we write thousands of wonderful words, other days not at all. Some days we spend in the sun with a margarita by the ocean. Others are spent working on what someone is willing to pay us to do. All of these things make up our lives, in rising and falling waves, constantly changing in amplitude. The pattern of my days now are not what they were like when I was 12 or at 32. I suspect at 62 they'll be something else altogether.

I trust that what they'll be is the flowering of what I do now, not an echo.

Creativity, Discipline and Nora -- Oh My!

Sometimes I wonder if there's really a limit to creative energy, or if I just tend to think so.

I got in my 1K again today (yay! horns, confetti, ect!), but now I don't feel like writing my blog. Alas.

Sometimes I think it's just discipline. Halle made an interesting comment on the Ritual & Madness post that she's come to believe that ritual is all about discipline, and that the emotional response to disruption is simply knowing how hard it is to regain the discipline. I think she's got a great point there. I've read about authors who write in hugely disciplined ways. The beyond-prolific Nora Roberts says she writes eight hours a day. (Some out there will claim this is because she's doing factory-genre writing, rather than true Art, but that's neither here nor there.) And many novelists started out as journalists; they often cite that kind of disciplined, churn-out-articles-every-day writing as what built their ability to write consistently.

For myself, I find I don't seem to write -- to compose -- for more than a couple of hours at a time. I have a whole day to write, and I find myself composing for two hours or so, and revising the rest. That and doing business, like queries, submissions, etc.

What with my dream of being a full-time writer, I wonder if that means I'll still write about two hours a day and dork around for the rest...

That's what dreams are all about!

Blessed Release

I got in my one-thousand words this morning.

I have to let it sit there on its own line, because it looks so good to me. It's one of those celebrations that belongs to me and me alone. Well, and to Isabel, who's been sitting here offering silent support. Though I suspect she's just waiting for me to stop typing and start petting.

This is significant to me because I haven't written my self-required one-thousand words a day since I started this blog. That was my greatest fear -- that writing this would suck away my energy from working on my novel, or the sorority book or some of the essays I've promised to anthologies.

I knew going in that it would be a challenge. That I was changing my rituals and patterns. I gave myself the first week just to get used to writing the blog. Then I started phasing in my other writing again. And it just wasn't working. I'd blog, then add my posts to Facebook and MySpace, but not open my email. Sometimes I couldn't resist and would open my email, which is the kiss of death, the end of all further creative writing in favor of email replies. But, as I actually gained some friends on Facebook, that became the death knell to further writing.

So, today, I finally reversed the order. I did my 1K first, then wrote this. It's my own personal 1K Day, and the best part is I can have it every day!

Yes, I know you don't really care. You don't feel my rush. If you're not a writer, you probably think I'm nuts. But I know the writers out there understand.

Ten years ago, when we put on a Writers Summit for our region, we made a t-shirt. (Gotta have the shirt!) On the back we put this quote from Mark Rutherford:

"There is in each of us an upswelling spring of life, energy, love, whatever you like to call it. If a course is not cut for it, it turns the ground around it into a swamp."

That's why it feels good to get my words in. I've cut a course today and the swamp is draining. New life springs up in its wake. It's a good day.

Ritual and Madness

Today it was the kitties' turn. I'm feeling flu-ish, so I skipped the rec center and slept in. Because I went to bed at 9 o'clock, this meant that I still woke up by about 6:45. David took the opportunity to skip, too, but had gotten up at 5:30 anyway, to soak in the bathtub. When I stirred, deciding I wouldn't sleep anymore, however much I'd prefer to stay in my warm, dark den, both kitties trilled delighted meows at me and came running in to leap on the bed.

You'd think I'd risen from the dead.

I dragged myself into the kitchen and they bolted for their food dishes -- which had still some dry food in them, mind you -- portraying desperate starvation the way only a cat can. I mentioned it when I visited David taking his bath, to say good morning. Oh yes, he said, both cats had been coming in to stare at him accusingly. I wondered why, since they normally don't get fed until about this time anyway, when we get back from working out.

It's the wrong pattern of activity, he said; a disruption of their routine.

If you read yesterday's post, you know this comment hit home for me. The creative gurus are all about ritual and routine. Write every day. Write at the same time every day. Play the same music while you write. All meant to coax the subconscious into performing, like a well-trained pet. They compare the subconscious to an animal. Our unthinking animal side.

What happens when it falls apart? When I can't access my current novel in progress because I haven't yet reinstalled Word. When I can't listen to my writing playlist because I haven't reinstalled Sonic Stage. When the getting up and getting breakfast isn't timed the usual way and the yummy canned food doesn't fall in the bowl as expected. Frantic behavior, is what.

I have a friend whose mother every morning goes for a walk and then has her nonfat, sugar-free latte. I know about this because this woman's husband, my friend's stepfather, called my friend for advice. Apparently if she for some reason is made to miss her walk and latte, she becomes nearly hysterical. He wondered how to deal with it. And maybe was asking a slightly deeper question: is she a little crazy?

Maybe insanity isn't just doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Maybe it's becoming paralyzed if you can't do the same thing over and over. Ritual may feed the animal in us, but the higher being in us must remain flexible. Overcome and move on. Whether it's a computer malfunction, sickness, losing a job, losing everything -- the trick is being able to rise above the ritual and cope anyway.

In the end, ritual is a luxury.

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was

I've been tracking my time the last few days. Renee Knowles got me going on it when she gave her Career Bootcamp workshop at CRW the other day. Her point was that, if you're not getting everything done that you want to -- like drafting that bestseller -- then one approach is to track your time and see where it's going.

Now, my schedule is pretty tight: I get up much earlier than I like; I go work out; I hit this blog (new activity); write for another hour and a half or two. Then I shower up, practice harp, work my day job. At night I have meetings sometimes or I hang with David, which I believe in as relationship investment time. So I think I have my time pretty well accounted for. But I thought it would be interesting to check.

I made a spreadsheet (it's the Virgo in me -- can't resist a spreadsheet) with my day listed in 15 minute increments, from 5:30 am to 11 pm. When my mom asked Sunday evening what I'd done that day, I sent her my 15 minute blow by blow list. Every mother should have such a responsive daughter. After she asked why on earth I'd done this, she remarked, "right off, I'd say less computer time."

No shocker there. Though I defended it as an unusually heavy computer day because I'd been at the workshop the day before and had lots of catch-up to do. But even tracking my work day yesterday, which admittedly involves being on the computer all day, a huge chunk of my day is spent on emailing, instant messaging and looking stuff up on the internet. No, not surfing so much as deliberately going from link to link, reading the daily stuff on my list.

Okay, so there's networking which, just like relationship investment, takes time. No way around that. And even Renee, like many others before her, exhorts reading blogs if you're trying to market work as a writer.

The upshot is: what's dropping out is my reading time. Even though I'm in the middle of a fascinating book (Stolen Innocence: My Story of Growing Up in a Polygamous Sect, Becoming a Teenage Bride, and Breaking Free of Warren Jeffs by Elissa Wall and Lisa Pulitzer) and had time scheduled to read it, that time decreased, wedged up against my looming bed time hour, and I spent more time on the computer. Working on stuff to market my work, so I can sell books to people who have less time to read them.

Huh.